One I Carry With Me
When I was 19, my life shifted out from underneath me and my plans of continuing my college sophomore year pursuing a Bachelor's degree in Animal Studies evaporated. I had no idea what to do, but I had to find something else, so I took on a year-long equine internship that had been offered to me when visiting a Morgan breeding and training program two states over the previous year.
Soon after I arrived, I was tasked with preparing a 4 year old mare that had been purchased along with 2 other horses by a family in the Midwest. I was told the horses were intended to be used for riding and driving by their grandchildren, therefore I needed to prepare this young mare. I believed the best course of action was to have her be reliable and safe under saddle for children.
Right off the bat, I noticed there was just something different about this mare. She was a dark liver chestnut and had a very slight build with almost a Herring gut. Given her slight frame and size I would guess she was at the bottom of the pecking order when she was younger and turned out with her peers, which would account for her food anxiety and the ruckus she made during feeding time. It was the most bizarre thing I'd ever heard from a horse, it sounded closer to the call of a Blue Whale, which she would make right before kicking the stall door.
Despite myself now being the smallest rider at the barn, the second I sat on her, her back dropped and she got very tense. She was very sticky and unsure. So over the following weeks I worked with her in the best way I knew how to make her safe for kids. I established voice cues on the longe and got her moving forward. She started relaxing into the work, lowering her head and raising her back, strengthening her weak abdominals so she could more comfortably carry a rider. I started riding her more and took the opportunity to see how she would react to an unbalanced rider. If I jostled in the saddle she would get tense, which I knew would be an issue if the grandchildren were just learning to ride, so I let her know it was ok, but if I really started to lose my balance then she needed to slow down and stop.
Slowly she started relaxing her head down, then the rest of her body followed and she started using her back more to carry my weight in a healthier way for her slight frame. She was still a little nervous, but I felt she was safer overall. I felt if I was able to continue with her until she left then I’d have her in a good place.
I was so proud of myself. I honestly thought my considerate approach would be appreciated, and after a few weeks working with her I was asked to present her to the manager.
“You’ve ruined this horse!!!” He deemed in front of the entire barn staff.
She was no longer the high-stepping, high energy, nostril flaring show horse his eye found to be appealing.
I wanted to scream: “But you can’t have it both ways!”
But I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut. I knew deep down this wasn’t going to work out. I struggled with what I was feeling was right inside of me and what was being expected of me in that environment.
Over the next couple of weeks I watched him try to “fix” this mare, which meant the overcheck went back on, ratcheting her head up, collapsing her back. It broke my heart to see her so confused; she’d done all I had asked of her.
One day as I walked back to my apartment for my lunch break the manager was driving the mare and offered me a ride. When we arrived and I stepped out of the cart the manager tapped her with the whip to walk off, but she didn’t, she only got tense. I could see his frustration mounting, so before he could use the whip on her again, I looked him dead in the eyes and sweetly said “Walk, Mary” and she stepped right off.
The day she was loaded on the transport trailer with the two other horses Westbound I will never forget. I think of her often over a decade later.
I didn’t stay the whole year, I left after 7 months on semi-good terms, due to my declining mental & physical health and lack of income. I know I was a disappointment, that the manager had expected differently of me, but that’s ok. I disappointed him for the right reasons. But the damage had been done. I had arrived in a somewhat fragile mental state, and this perceived "failure" with a mare who I genuinely loved weighed me down. I doubted my ability to navigate the professional equine world, to be a financial success, while also honoring the level of compassion I felt certain "problem" horses required. The rest of my time there was spent in a deep depression, and there were days when I felt I was being treated by some senior staff the same way they treated the horses, expecting submission in all that was asked. So I kept my head down and my mouth shut.
Do I hold a grudge? I try not to. I witnessed some bad things happen at that barn, but were they done with malicious intent? No, I do believe all the management and staff had a deep love for horses, but they were operating in the only way they knew how, which was the most time-efficient and cost-effective for training and selling horses. However such methods didn’t leave very much room for error, which is unfortunate when you’re breeding and training horses valued for their sensitivity and intelligence. This was also in the aftermath of the Crash of '08, so people weren't buying horses and I know that weighed heavily on management staff.
Slowly she started relaxing her head down, then the rest of her body followed and she started using her back more to carry my weight in a healthier way for her slight frame. She was still a little nervous, but I felt she was safer overall. I felt if I was able to continue with her until she left then I’d have her in a good place.
I was so proud of myself. I honestly thought my considerate approach would be appreciated, and after a few weeks working with her I was asked to present her to the manager.
“You’ve ruined this horse!!!” He deemed in front of the entire barn staff.
She was no longer the high-stepping, high energy, nostril flaring show horse his eye found to be appealing.
I wanted to scream: “But you can’t have it both ways!”
But I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut. I knew deep down this wasn’t going to work out. I struggled with what I was feeling was right inside of me and what was being expected of me in that environment.
Over the next couple of weeks I watched him try to “fix” this mare, which meant the overcheck went back on, ratcheting her head up, collapsing her back. It broke my heart to see her so confused; she’d done all I had asked of her.
One day as I walked back to my apartment for my lunch break the manager was driving the mare and offered me a ride. When we arrived and I stepped out of the cart the manager tapped her with the whip to walk off, but she didn’t, she only got tense. I could see his frustration mounting, so before he could use the whip on her again, I looked him dead in the eyes and sweetly said “Walk, Mary” and she stepped right off.
The day she was loaded on the transport trailer with the two other horses Westbound I will never forget. I think of her often over a decade later.
I didn’t stay the whole year, I left after 7 months on semi-good terms, due to my declining mental & physical health and lack of income. I know I was a disappointment, that the manager had expected differently of me, but that’s ok. I disappointed him for the right reasons. But the damage had been done. I had arrived in a somewhat fragile mental state, and this perceived "failure" with a mare who I genuinely loved weighed me down. I doubted my ability to navigate the professional equine world, to be a financial success, while also honoring the level of compassion I felt certain "problem" horses required. The rest of my time there was spent in a deep depression, and there were days when I felt I was being treated by some senior staff the same way they treated the horses, expecting submission in all that was asked. So I kept my head down and my mouth shut.
Do I hold a grudge? I try not to. I witnessed some bad things happen at that barn, but were they done with malicious intent? No, I do believe all the management and staff had a deep love for horses, but they were operating in the only way they knew how, which was the most time-efficient and cost-effective for training and selling horses. However such methods didn’t leave very much room for error, which is unfortunate when you’re breeding and training horses valued for their sensitivity and intelligence. This was also in the aftermath of the Crash of '08, so people weren't buying horses and I know that weighed heavily on management staff.
I learned a lot while there. It was an invaluable experience, giving me insight into how to do some things right, as well as management and training practices to completely avoid.
Most of the horses that went through that program did fine, but there were a few who didn’t, and a few who unfortunately passed during and shortly after my time there.
Those are the ones I still carry with me.
Comments
Post a Comment