Self Care Can Be Hard

 Self care can be one of the hardest things to do, especially for those of us who suffer from mental and physical illness but are still high functioning. I’m sitting here with 1000 things to do, but I know if I don’t stop now, that list will become exponentially bigger, because it will take longer to recover. With the heat, humidity and hustle of the past couple weeks I am finding myself completely drained. It started with the headaches this weekend that I pushed through, but now I can feel the flare coming on. What does it feel like?

It feels like I’m underwater. When I move it’s as if there’s this force pushing against me, a pressure engulfing my body, increasing my already overwhelming fatigue. If I move too fast I see little stars around the outside of my vision and pain pierces the right side of my head behind my eye. It’s difficult to focus, my pupils sluggish in their reaction. My face is tight, my jaw pops everytime I open my mouth. For the past fews days it’s felt like I’ve been kicked in the hip, but there’s no bruise to show for it, evidence I’ve been pushing off and through too hard. 

And that’s the problem; I pushed through too hard for so many years. My own guilty conscience telling me I had to do more, I had to do better, that I wasn’t good enough. And then I just became bitter, stuck in the scarcity mindset. And I think a lot of people know exactly what I’m talking about.

Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is prioritize your own health and happiness because it’s contrary to our uber capitalist society. And I’m not talking about the retail therapy "Self Care". Things can’t make you happy, not really. And neither can other people; you are the only person responsible for your own happiness.

So while I sit here, rehydrating and trying to convince my overloaded nervous system that “Yes, I am really listening”, remember that it often takes more discipline to step back and do what you need to do for yourself rather than just pushing through. Sometimes getting more done later means doing less now.